Anyway, I'm planning on doing a blog on here. I'll try to update it to have more pages, prettier styling, and actual use of fonts and images eventually, but rn I have a quiz due in 2 hours XD so I gotta get to that. This'll prolly be a project I work on daily: even if I have nothing to write, I'll practice my coding. Well, sea ya! and hopefully you stick around. I'll make this nice and pretty someday, I promise.
Oh! I almost forgot. Here's my discord: "adpheexd", and here's my inkipedia page!
Sorry for missing yesterday: it was really late, and I was quite upset. Anyhow, I have a few things at the table for tonight's post. A little bit of explaning my alluded to distress, but also about gender (yippee!) But before that, mi kama sona e toki pona [I'm learning toki pona.] mi wile e sona pi toki pona, taso mi jo e lili tenpo [I want to know toki pona, but I have don't have much time.] Also, I'm too lazy. Now, onto our regularly scheduled program.
The "upset" takes form in anger with myself for not performing as well as I could. I know I have the skill to win, but I just can't pull it off. It's been bugging me for a while, not having the results I want. I really want to get better at the game, yet I just struggle and struggle without knowing why. It hurts a lot, especially after tournaments. I want to stop it and just do good. It really hurts.
But the other thing is about self-expression. Thursday, I woke up, not vibing with any of my jeans nor cargo-pants, and put on sweatpants. However, I never wear sweatpants in public, and I don't plan to start; I just needed to stall before I designed a real outfit. After a nice shower and other hygenic routines, I got back to my room without any preference between my leggings—but I did have a preference of bottoms. My skirt. Of course, I've told my parents I crossdress, and I have crossdressed at school (although, that was on halloween and before I told my dad,) but I haven't cross dressed in front of my parents. Add on some unshaved leg-hair and I could only bring myself to lament my self-prohibited self-expression. Why didn't I wear my skirt? Fear. I acknowledge my decision, and I'm still making the same decision, but I regret not doing it. I simply resorted to a pullover hoodie (which is it's own unusual,) and left as though people didn't know I crossdress.
Anywho, it's late, and I'm tired. G'night!
I'm a little tired, but I'ma stick with what I promised: working on my Neocity a little every day. This post will be dedicated to a certain experience I've wanted to discuss, but I'll do a quick check-up first.
Today was weird. Despite being a normal, mundane day, there were quite a few interesting moments. I saw both a cat and a dog on campus (when even one animal is unusual,) and there were many odd drivers on the road—cars with hazards on for no reason, cars driving in bike lanes, and other oddities you forget in a month or so. The award of "favorite part of the day" comes down to two great events: a delicious clam dinner, and seeing the hot track runners (both male and female) while at school. Btw, I'm normally less focused on people's bodies, so don't think this blog will come down to a lust-dump.
Anywho, the event I've come to discuss is getting a suit! I had a psychology assignment which required attending a "community event," so I set my sights for the Psychology Career Mix. As you may have guessed, it asked for "business professional" attire, of which I had none—so off to the clothes store I went! My dad was the one who did the real shopping, but it was trying on the clothes that was so interesting.
I noticed a few personal preferences, the first being long pants. It was somewhat surprising how little the material or aesthetic of the pants concern me. Like, I could honestly wear whatever non-tacky pants I'm offered, given they are somewhat slack. Second is my love of long-sleeves. I didn't wear a blazer (for upcoming reasons,) but my long sleeved shirt felt so comfortable and safe, I'd be happy never wearing a blazer again. Last (but not actually last,) I have an inner desire to show off my curves. Not that I'm an hourglass figure, but I like emphasizing my twink body.
So... about the blazer. I avoided wearing it to dampen how "professional" I looked; however, I still have problems with the jacket. Since it's designed for men, it emphasizes the shoulders and upper-chest more than I'd like, and it unfortunately erases any curves off my silhouette.
Oh goodness, it's 12:23 am, so I'd best be going to sleep. G'night!
Today, I was browsing Neocities, envious of the identity an anonymous user created. My mom, after I relayed my resentment, suggested I make a blog. I liked the idea, and thought it would be best named after its sake: figuring out my identity. So with a name in mind and a pen in heart, I wondered, "What is the most consistent part of a person? The personality I desire changes, along with my sense of style, and everyone's interests constantly shift. But I always have the same fears—or similar enough fears." Naturally, my first post will explain exactly what I'm afraid of becoming or not becoming; that way, we have a direction to steer for future posts!
I'm scared of being average. Queer communities have molded me into who I am; it's terrifying to imagine I don't belong. Well, technically, allies are a part of lgbtq+, but it's not the same as the silly enbies, boys, and girls I've assimilated to. Being a cis-white-male almost feels like a betrayal, not to those around me, but to myself. It's such a powerful anxiety that it probably prevents me from discovering large parts of myself—but I don't even want to know about those parts. I don't want to feel distanced from all my friends and idols. If I am cis, what's keeping me attached to the communities I love? Would I even need them?
I'm also afraid of being nothing. Although stalling my path-to-self-discovery would "solve" the first anxiety, never having a personality at all is its own terrifying. There's so many shows I want to watch, so many places I want to visit and live at, and so many experiences I want to... experience, that I couldn't bear living a bland, average life. I pride myself on my own sense of self—my idiosyncrasies and interests—but I still feel so lacking. Like there's a missing flashdrive with photos of my vacations or crafts... or friends, that I've lost; like the life I was destined is only happening in part; that somewhere, somehow, there's a me living more of my life than I am. It's a queazing in the stomach of opportunities I should have made. It's a disregard for the life I've made, and a pining for something more indy, more outdoors, more tight-knit.
It's improbable that I'm completely cis, and even if I was, that wouldn't change the lovely communities I call home; moreover, I need to learn to love what I've made for myself, and to add to that life rather than restart (not that "restarting life" is even possible!) However, these fears still distort my view of how to proceed, and although I want to find an identity I love, blinding myself prohibits my journey.